Slag & Lettuce, Islington

Not so many slags frequent this public house anymore - each time we go in there the ratio of men to women is rising. Something to do with the male bonding before clubbing thing. Neck a few pints and arrive drunk. An abundance of white and pale blue shirts.

Theres a couple of men at the bar, one's a real cock - jeans, white shirt and a blazer - he's very animated, talking, snapping his fingers in the air, fast talking. His mate is laughing. Unusually they have an insatiable need to be in bodily contact with each other - lots of back slapping, high fives, hugging, and then faux fighting - knees in the bollocks, punches in the stomach. The Cock is very touchy touchy, gesticulating, poking the air with his cigarette - city boy, probably on the stock exchange, loud, pressured, rich. His mate is fawning over him.

Suddenly the Cock's girlfriend arrives (eventually work out which one of them she is with - at first they both hug and kiss her, finally the Cock leaves his arm around her and lets it drift down over her bum) and he tones it down completely leaving his mate with nothing to do, no one to bounce off. Two leggy fashionable blonds walk in, go straight to the bar besides them. Cock's mate's eyes are on the one girl, can't focus on anything else even though he is continuing to talk animatedly to Cock and his girlfriend. He's using all his techniques to try to engage this slightly horsey gorgeous girl but she is steadfastly refusing to acknowledge him. He looks her up and down and up, finally so desperate for an in that he is pointing something out on her blouse, almost as if about to poke her... and yes finally he's in. His hands are gesturing around his mouth, "you have lovely lips {they'd look great round my cock}" - every man's best line. He leans in, she's trapped against the bar.

Cock's girlfriend is much admired, every opportunity is taken by both men to get an arm around her shoulders and kiss her hair, and the Cock is always keen to stroke her arse. In between opportunities Cock's mate is chatting up the two blond women. They dutifully pay attention, laughing at the stories, smiling, flicking their hair. Occassionally and extremely subtly it becomes apparent that all three women are trying to get out of the clutches of Cock's mate. But when its closing they all leave together. Cock's mate is in such a hurry to follow the blond beauties that he puts the wrong arm in his jacket sleeve and can't find the other one.

On our way to the bus stop we pass the Cock and his girlfriend waiting for his mate as he takes a pee up the side of a parking ticket machine. So it appears that the blond beauties escaped.