Right Royal Eurovision Roundup

Coming late to all things pop - being as I wasn't allowed to stay up after 7.30 until I was easily 9, and certainly wasn't allowed to watch low-brow shows with lewd dancing like Top of the Pops (70s era - Legs and co and Hot Gossip, never mind the ear-splitting music) - it really isn't a surprise that there is no long family history of Eurovision watching. Lately, however, in keeping with other people's family histories I have caught the whole shebang a couple of times.

The thing that always gets me about this song contest is how little the music really matters, and that actually thats a good thing because it is generally absolutely abominable. This year was no exception. It seems a Eurovision song needs one verse (preferably sung in broken English) and a chorus which can be repeated several times in every increasing crescendo. Very now was kettle drumming, often multiple drummers in unison, and if not kettle drums other drums. Female catawahling was making a big comeback. As were girls who would prefer to be glamour models.

I am leaving it to other more musically inclined people to provide a detailed analysis of the music. I am listing instead, anything that struck me about each performance:

1. Hungary - all about the one short trouserleg. Sung rather flat.
2. UK - Javine, a Beyonce-alike who probably would have benefited from having another boob falling out incident as in the semis.
3. Malta - all about the big red lace dress.
4. Romania - silicone tits, Stompified act (dustbin lid drumming), an inability to dance due to the uncomfortably high heels. Sang loudly (presumably to overcome the tuning problem).
5. Norway - Oh my god! The Grandson of Kiss, black lipstick and silver catsuit.
6. Turkey - gold eye shadow and makrame hanging from the sleeves of her blouse and a song with a weird sound like a pirate radio station is sharing the airwave.
7. Moldova - a little bit chumbawumba - really should have been left back on the beach where they were discovered.
8. Albania - barbie in white with red frills.
9. Cyprus - one for the boys - tight white teeshirt, much groin groping and grinding.
10. Spain - spanish skirt twitching, great backing vocals by some dancing singers who looked like tame Pogues members.
11. Israel - boring slow song by another silicone beauty - huge trained frock with no back.
12. Serbia & Montenegro - boy band, almost sung in the round. More crazy drummers. All a bit over-excited.
13. Denmark - song that took us away from the high volume wailing and heavy drumming. Bit more relaxed. Bit more like a normal song.
14. Sweden - psychotic smile, bit swing, bit soft rock, bit west end musical. Girls in Elvis suits.
15. FYR Macedonia - back to the drums and a chap with very poor posture (wierd stoop - could be that the pink jacket was too much to live up to) and the dancers were like hookers from a cheap bar - straight off the pole.
16. Ukraine - Ukraine's answer to Eminem. Chant for freedom.
17. Germany - in the rock chic vein - big power, thrashing guitars, and absolutely crap lyrics.
18. Croatia - intense dracula a-like flanked by some lovely peasant virgins.
19. Greece - the favourite - dancing men and rhyming couplets.
20. Russia - singing was rather flat. Good use of the vocal echo though.
21. Bosnia & Herzegovina - Abba tribute by 3 blond glamour pusses, Bails said they sounded a bit Diana Ross. Shoulder shaking in time with the drum rolls.
22. Switzerland - bad girl rock.
23. Latvia - boys ballading on stools with guitars. Clean cut boys. Bails' pick - she said they were singing a nice mellow song, getting away from all the screaching.
24. France - wearing canary yellow and strutting at a pace too fast for the song.

After the round up reminder we were keen on the witch ladies from Spain and the souly-pop from Denmark. However we were thinking it was going to be between Israel and Greece (right kind of women, y'see).

And the voting confirmed it - Greece won. But it really is much less about the music than who you share borders with or want to remain political friends with. Therefore bottom of the table were Germany, France and UK. We'll never win again! We are marginalised in Europe!