Virtues of Vibrators

With the onset of spring London pigeons (manky specimens with club, or indeed, missing feet) have been engaging in mating rituals. This involves the male of the species puffing his chest up, spreading his tail feathers widely and dragging it on the ground as he chases young females round. Since our mutual friend, complaining of being jealous of said pigeons, was having a birthday Bails and I decided that rather than find her a mate of any sort (difficult to fulfill) we would invest in a vibrator for her to stave off the desperation.

We popped into Harmony, top of Charing Cross Road, and found ourselves faced with an array of adult toys that hadn't seemed to progress in style or design for some years. Vibrators still continue to largely look like big flesh tone willies, or alternatively large shiny black numbers. Often complete with veins. For some reason it seems odd that most designers of these things have not thought about the aesthetics of these toys beyond realism (and hyper- or extreme-realism - where it looks realistic but MUCH TOO LARGE). Willies aren't that lovely to look at (unless its someone's you really like), and can be downright scary in some of the proportions used here.

Eventually we went for a newer model from the german company Fun Factory. Yes its willy-shaped in that its long and conical like the gherkin building but it was made of baby blue silicone with defined ridges. Others were designed to be zodiac signs, or dolphin shaped, in a huge variety of colours and not a single one had pearlescent beading or shiny black ribs or veins of any description. Nicely styled with wit. Williesque but no realism.

The only other one I can think of is Tom Dixon's Bone thats on sale in places like Purves & Purves and Selfridges.

So we wrapped it up and on giving it got a little bit nervous in case mutual friend was incensed. Fortunately she wasn't.

And in the following discussion we got to pondering the willy vs the non-willy aesthetic. Her analogy was that it is like making non-meat beefburgers for vegetarians that look and taste like meat. Its frequently done but for the true vegetarian theres really no point since the meat was given up on purpose. If we are going to have a substitute why does it have to look like a willy when it isn't really anything like the real thing?

British Summer Time Begins

Never can get used to this chaning time twice annually (even though I've lived here all my life). It always takes me time to adjust. At least this year someone reminded me that the clocks were going forwards on Saturday night so I didn't have a repeat of the time I actually didn't realise until I arrived to college an hour earlier than I thought.

So this summer time I find myself awake in the middle of the night watching bad movies.

Sunday it was Dracula 2000 by Patrick Lussier - the guardian says "fairly silly update with Drac hunting Van Heslings daughter. She works in Virgin Megastore", but I still watched it, all the way through.

Monday was the end of Spielbergs Amistad, a worthy film by all accounts but I only caught the end part where Anthony Hopkins was making a great speech while sounding like the wizard from the wizard of oz.

Monday's Life Class







Probably because Blue Witch commented last week on how much we seem to get done each session I seem to have come back this week with half a tree worth of drawings. There were four others not worth keeping.

So we had a new model - a german dancer who was interested in non-trained approaches to dance where you sort of zone into a meditative state and let your body do whatever comes to it from there. He once worked for a Jewish sculptor who had him move slowly until a position presented itself that he liked and then he'd capture it and then get the model to continue moving. Apparently there is a sculpture in a fountain in Putney (I think he said Putney) that is of the man who modelled this evening. Its a piece about tensions and energy and although it is abstract the model can recognise his energy in the sculpture.

So we did something quite similar today - he moved until Ann said stop and then we drew for 30 seconds, this was followed by a movement pose where we had to capture the movement (these are the middle three and lower left drawing). Before this we did our ususal 20min, followed by a four minute and a two minute pose. Then after the break we had two 20 minute poses.

Candid Arts Trust: open access sessions and more formal taught courses in both life drawing and painting. Behind Angel tube, Islington - first left down City Road. Contact: The Candid Arts Trust, 3 Torrens Street, London EC1V 1NQ, Tel: 020 7837 4237.

The Cold Season: Spring Chills

The worst part of a cold is when you realise you have used up all your tissues and have to reuse one that is already damp. (Bails and I discussed this while HS loudly trumpeted her nose into her last tissue).

Mirror Moment

So, they're leaving. His scruffy friend has decamped to the toilet.

Standing up to put on his coat he takes a moment to check himself in the long mirrored wall down the side of the restaurant. Standing full front to it beside his table surrounded by other diners he readjusts his shirt collars. Smoothes the lapels of his jacket. Pin stripe suit. Smart. Readjust cuffs. One at a time. Casually with an almost imperceptible sideways head movement checks the hair, first one way, then the other. Asymmetrical haircut, glossed with product, higher in the off centre ridge. Puts on coat, caresses the buttons as he closes them up. Checking done, he stands for a moment, that could almost be a few minutes, admiring the image reflected back at him.

At which point, scruffy friend returns from the bathroom in his olive green combat pants, having not stood next to the razor for several days. Passing an empty table he stops to finish off a half empty glass of water that the waiter is trying to clear away. Having gulped down the remains of somebody else's glass grabs his jacket and the pair of them leave.

Scruffy goes first, pin stripe man follows dragging a small travel case behind him.

Beyond the Beyond

I sit at my workstation in a specially carved out ergonomic curve looking directly past the computer monitor over the hills towards Highgate, picking out a couple of spires and a green copper dome and some trees' bare branches on the horizon. The sky rises huge in the window frame, grey and threatening at the bottom but highlighted with gold and orange where the sun catches the clouds. Through a gap firey orange, bright. Behind that dark slate cloud is the beyond. Collecting links today for a resource list I was looking at the Hubble website. That is what is beyond the beyond from the window I'm sitting at. Its time I got beyond the confines of North London.

Richard Long Day

overcast.
sun.
overcast.
electric.
hail.
overcast, big blue patch, raindrops drying on window.
black clouds, sunshine on hills in the distance.
sun through wispy clouds.
sun.
sun and black clouds.
sun and rain.
sun, rain and hail.
rain and hail.
sun, blue sky, distant bulbous white clouds.
airplane streaks.
haze.
sun set dazzling through cloud.



Richard Long's One Hour Walk
Other Text Works
Richard Long's Website

Genius.

Monday's Life Class





Drawing the pale man with strong lighting. A 20 minute warm up, get set up and collect money pose, two 10 minute poses, one moving pose and a 45 minute to finish with. Afterwards all the new art studenty types sprayed all their drawings (I do mine at home) creating a cloud of pungent fixative in the basement studio. Cough, retch.

Candid Arts Trust: open access sessions and more formal taught courses in both life drawing and painting. Behind Angel tube, Islington - first left down City Road. Contact: The Candid Arts Trust, 3 Torrens Street, London EC1V 1NQ, Tel: 020 7837 4237.

We Love Borough Market







We went by just for a look but within a minute of arriving we were shopping for a dinner feast.

Lettuce that comes whole, strong and fresh. Tomatoes on-the-vine that look red, ripe and taste divine (unlike the ones from supermarkets plumped with water and tasteless), olive oil nutty and peppery tasted before purchase and in reusable glass bottles that will get you a pound discount next time, yoghurt and wine.

Although I've been a vegetarian for 16 years I was also fascinated with the meat - cut from the bone, red and healthy looking not wrapped in cellophane and almost unidentifiable as animal. Honest food, cleanly raised.

We ate roasted garlic and onions on bread. Rocket and Parmesan salad. Feta, tomato, pepper and leaves salad. Olives marinated in garlic and coriander. Drank Pino Grigio which was pale and apply.

TGIF

Its been a really long week, however Friday was spent in a conference rooms in the Art House in Britannia Row doing some strategic planning. We then went off to a bowling alley in Finsbury Park and had a couple of hours bowling. Fun? It was hilarious. And suprisingly I got the second highest score of the evening. I was very proud. Especially cos I didn't start very well. And then I was on a roll and challenged one of my colleagues to a race on one of those car racing games, and I beat him. Failed miserably at a round of killer pool (can't play pool to save my life - I blame a considerably non-ill spent youth). Now that I'm home I think I bowled too much (I've got RSI in my hip from standing on it while swinging the other leg out to the side behind!).

Most upset at seeing the last ever episode of SITC. Will friday night TV be the same again? Not for some time. And Mr Big's name is never really...

My sister has a theory about Johns. You know you're with the right man in our family if you've found your John (she did it, our mother did it, as did one of her sisters and a sister-in-law, so did a cousin, mine's middle name is Jonathan). There could be something in it.

AM

A learner bus driver in a big white double decker learner bus inches along with great care as 3 bus driving instructors lounge in the seats behind him, some of them not even looking forward. Following along behind, a man on a white bicycle (who obviously hasn't been in charge of a bike for some time) weaving all over the road legs angled out for balance.

Monday's Life Class





Fast and furious class today - a 10 minute, then some five minutes, couple of 30 seconds and after break a 45 minute. Class remains crowded. So wish Vogue hadn't been putting life drawing up there with things to do in 2004.


Candid Arts Trust: open access sessions and more formal taught courses in both life drawing and painting. Behind Angel tube, Islington - first left down City Road. Contact: The Candid Arts Trust, 3 Torrens Street, London EC1V 1NQ, Tel: 020 7837 4237.

Weather Revisited





We went to the Tate to see the Brancusi (I didn't realise it was going to cost my companion £8 to get in, so in the end we didn't - I can come again on my own and go in for free as a member), as we came in we also stole another look at Olafur Eliasson's Weather Project.

It was interesting seeing it again after so many months (first seen in October, see review here). Its been all over the blogosphere and the press. There were some notable differences. Firstly the lack of steam, presumably in response to the adverse affect it was having on the wellbeing of the gallery staff, when we first saw it the whole room was filled with a haze that blended and mystified the whole experience - it was hard to see through and make out what was actually happening, things seemed weirder and eerier that way. The lack of steam meant that some flaws showed up much more clearly - including the join where the half sun met the mirror, now dirty with the failing fluorescent bulbs or accumulated dust and muck, the mirrored ceiling was showing quite defined joins where before it seemed flat and as one. It still provoked the same response from viewers - staring for ages off the balcony or lying like sunbathers on the concrete floor and performing synchronised swimming in the mirrors above only now with added displacement.

Despite the visible flaws it remains an awe inspiring and funny exhibition. You have until 21 March to catch it if you can or haven't already.

Tate Modern Weather Project

Spring Day

Beautiful spring day. Daffodils in green patches, parks and front gardens. Early blossom trees in bloom. The first colour after a long winter. Brightness of the sun feeds the skin.

Phils Dinner Party



They were playing a compilation CD during dinner called Organs in Orbit from a series called the Ultra Lounge. The images in my head were:

1950s housewife grinning, lemon yellow dress with huge skirt doing vacuuming in stillettos. Poodles. Girls in bobby socks. Bungalows in small town america painted pastel colours with carports outside.

Men in dark zoot suits with greased back hair and open necked white shirts.

Turquoise cars at the seaside. Old people in deck chairs or taking a spin on the ballroom floor of the pier with glitter ball lights going round the room at 2pm in the afternoon.

1930s Egyptian-themed magic show where girls dressed as Cleopatra are sawn in half, disappeared and folded into boxes.

Eventful Afternoon

Seldom does such excitement reign over the office of a Friday afternoon.

DS and I were the only ones left in our unit - she had just had a bunch of stationery delivered and was busily opening and checking and cooing over the loverly coloured post-its, pens, ink cartridges, and guff that had arrived (the excitement of an administrator's world - stationery orders are like christmas, complete with boxes and packaging). I had finished a second piece of work this afternoon (what achievement and sense of completion! Almost too much to handle in one day). Way in the distance a faint ringing, like a doorbell, could be heard. It sort of infiltrated my ears without registering that it might be something that I should think about.

K rushed into our unit, "is anyone meeting with a Laurence? He's stuck in the lift!"

We looked blank. The three of us went out to the landing, in turn peering through the tiny window into the lift. Its a goods lift - the kind with double consetina doors that have to be slammed shut, big grey things, there are eight halogen lights embedded in the ceiling, of which only one is ever working, so its kind of dim inside, the walls are mirrored halfway up. Peering throught the tiny window it was hard to see anything, apart from the handles of a delivery trolley.

"It's the XL delivery man!"

"But he left ages ago..."

"OH - the ringing!!"

K took charge. "Laurence, have you tried to open the door a crack and reshut it? Press another floor and see if the lift will go down at all. Ok, I'm gonna call the lift maintenance people." From my desk I could hear K relaying information, "Laurence - lift maintenance said they are about an hour away. Are you ok? If thats too long to wait I'll call the fire brigade". Much discussion back in the office about which fire station to call. K calls. Some discussion ensues. I don't know if the fire brigade are called or not. "Laurence, we have just been called by lift maintennce, they are on their way but they are currently just at Camden. We have both unit doors open so if you need anything just shout."

HS came out, "Do you need a glass of water, Laurence?"

"HS, how will you get the water in there if he says yes?"

HS hoarsly whispers, "I just thought if he said yes, we'd have to find a faster way out. He sounded very weak when I first called into him but he said he was just tired and was falling asleep." Fortunately not a claustrophobe or a panicker.

45 minutes elapse. Suddenly a loud long sound of the buzzer. "LIFT MAINTENANCE ARE HERE!" K, DS and HS rush onto the landing. The lift maintenance men swing open a hatch in the ceiling and within minutes the doors open to reveal Laurence huddled in a corner sitting on the floor a bit dazzled.

"Would you like a glass of water or a cup of tea before you go?"

"No, I'm fine I'll just be on my way."

Unbelieving, HS tries again, "Are you sure we can't get you anything, your perfectly welcome?"

"Nah." Laurence scuttles off down the stairs with his trolley. Lift maintenence reveal that it was his vigorous slamming of the door in the first place that pulled the inner door out of its runner that caused the lift to jam. Perhaps thats why he scurried off poor man.

How to Wash Up: An Independent Learning Course

Learning Outcomes

• To ensure that cutlery and crockery are available for everyone to use
• To keep a clean kitchen environment
• To reduce the likelihood of infection, germs and shared illnesses

In this unit we will learn how to effectively wash up a teacup and teaspoon.

The Teaspoon

1. Having used the teaspoon to make your cup of tea or coffee don’t just leave it in a cup of cold water or lying on the draining board.
2. Take the sponge, run it under hot water, get a drip of washing up liquid (there must be detergent for a thorough wash) onto the scrubby side of the sponge.
3. Rub the teaspoon with the rough side of the sponge. This ensures that the tea and coffee stains are removed and that the spoon is thoroughly cleaned.
4. A good indication of a clean spoon is the shine that appears on the stainless steel.
5. Finally, and very importantly rinse the spoon in hot water to remove the detergent. If you run it under hot water you will also find that when you leave it to dry in the cutlery drainer that it will dry off quicker and have fewer streaks.

The Cup

When you have finished your cup of tea or coffee it will not wash itself if you leave it in the sink or near the sink. When this does miraculously happen you will find with some investigation that someone else has washed it for you.

When washing a cup the aim is to eradicate all traces of the previous drink that it held and to sterilise it for the next person to use.

1. Run the hot tap until the water comes out hot (the boiler is rubbish so this may take some time).
2. Fill the cup with hot water and rinse any dregs out.
3. Squirt a little bit of washing up liquid into the cup, fill again with hot water so that the detergent foams.
4. Using the sponge rub the detergent on both surfaces of the cup (inside and out). Check that the tea / coffee tidemark is being rubbed off. Also check under irritating lips that may have stubborn stains. Since these are not generally bone china cups it is ok to scrub them with the rough side of the sponge.
5. Once the cup is entirely clean (including those hard to remove tea stains on the bottom of the cup) rinse it in hot water. As with the teaspoon, hot water rinsing is important because it means the cup will dry off quicker and not get streaks or water spots so easily.

Since your hands are wet you may as well run the sponge over the surfaces of the sink – this will only take a second and will leave the environment that much more improved for those who come after you.

Also available in this series: how to clean a microwave, how to make a lovely cup of tea, how to get rid of rancid milk.


Lets hope the office kitchen slobs take note next week.

Learning From the Public

On the bus. A man with briefcase gets on. Bus lurches forward. Briefcase hits man's (sittting on the aisle seat just behind the stairs) leg.

Man whose leg was hit says louder than strictly necessary and in an agressive tone, "Watch where you're going and what yer doing with this" as he slaps the briefcase dismissively with the back of his hand.

Briefcase Man replies, "I'm very sorry, the bus started up and I wasn't holding on because I was moving along at the time. Did it hurt you?"

I thought this was a very disarming response. Often when shouted at in public our instant reaction is one of fight or flight (shout back, be rude or ignore the person and run away). This was measured, reasonable, apologetic and concerned.

I suppose the only fault being he didn't apologise before being shouted at.

Email

My work email has been a bit weird recently - it keeps getting messages returned to my inbox saying undeliverable even though I never sent them in the first place. I delete these straight away without opening them because hey they could be anything. I think theres a bug of some description in the server of the mail company. But none of the computers I use are infected cos I keep checking them, more regularly than it says you need to. Today I had one which was from someone who I don't know and the message read "STOP TRYING TO INFECT MY COMPUTER YOU FUCKING MISERABLE PIECE OF SHIT". I didn't do anything. Honest. I feel angered at. I hate people shouting at me...

Monday Night Life Class

So I was a tiny weeny little bit late. It was cold, not many people have been showing up recently, last week was cancelled. But whadya know 1 minute past 7.00, the class so overflowing, all the easles had been taken and the only spaces were squeezed into by a couple of chairs with a board propped on. So I left. Instead I am going to show you two paintings I did in a life painting class way back in the 90s after I finished college but before I got a full time job. Just so you don't feel too deprived of a bit of visuals. Next week I'll be less tardy and hopefully will get a spot.